Crunchy Mustard

I received an unusual piece of spam mail today. Apparently, it is in fact possible to can an entire fully cooked chicken. Now you know.

I received this gem from The MRE Depot. Their front page displays a plea to prepare for disasters… such as earthquakes and pandemic flus. Excellent.

MRE is an acronym for “meals ready to eat” and they’re mostly used in the military. I’ve actually had one before with a “camping-lover” friend of mine. My personal favorite is the Beef Roast with Vegetables! It’s simple: Pop out the heater then activate it with a bit of water. There are even MRE condiments like Tabasco sauce.

Also, the meals good for 5-10 years after they’re manufactured by the leading US military food provider - Ameriqual Foods.

Now, onto la pièce de résistance! Butterfield Farm Whole Chicken in Water. Yummmmy! MRE Depot insists: “Excellent for Soups, Salads and Sandwiches. Quick and easy way to keep chicken on hand for your favorite recipes.”

This is a deal you can’t pass up:

Brand New in the US!!
Sold by the Can or by the case of 6 cans, 51 oz per can
Your Cost; $38.21 per case*
*With 15% Discount Coupon Below, Limited Time Offer
Regularly $42.95

If only they made Canned Whole Turkeys… I’d be set for Thanksgiving!

Smirinoff has picked up on the latest trend in underage drinking (throw your favorite clear liquor into a Poland Spring bottle!). Say what?

Smirnoff Source™, the new premium malt beverage offering from Diageo North America that combines pure spring water with alcohol is now on beer retailers’ shelves and high-end bars throughout the Northeast. At 3.5 percent alcohol by volume (ABV), this new premium malt beverage, with a hint of citrus, has fewer calories and lower alcohol by volume than most popular domestic beers.

EXCELLENT!

Take one part useless expensive glass water bottle design, 10 parts tap water (thrown in a “spring water purifier”), and 1/3 part cheap grain alcohol and you get Lindsay Lohan’s new drink of choice.

Here’s a first-hand experience with the drink from Jezebel:

Unfortunately the packaging left something to be desired; glass and sized for man-hands, most of the free promotional bottles were found shattered on the dance floor by the end of the night. (I hope Diageo has good insurance!) Another slight problem was that one of my more-drunk friends mistook the Source bottle for water (How could she? I mean it even says “SPRING WATER: with a touch of alcohol” in small print…) and then proceeded to vomit. A lot. (”It tastes just like water, only the WHOLE TIME IT’S DEHYDRATING YOU,” she mused later.) For more veteran drunks such as myself, however, I think Smirnoff Source may even serve as a hangover helper due to its spring water content; I awoke the following afternon curiously merely groggy-ish (I had, admittedly, consumed a thousand or so calories worth of fries). But I’m not here to state scientific fact, I’m here to state my opinion. Which is: I would drink the Sauce, er, “Source” again, gladly, after a dozen or so real drinks. - CHERYL CAMPBELL

And, if you didn’t know, the origins of the word “Vodka”are from the Russian phrase of “little water.”

Source: Diageo Press Release

Today.
International.
Token.
Secrets.

Words we constantly in the media. Words that affect us. Words that drive us.
But what do they mean? Have they meaning?
One could argue that they are only words. One could also argue without language what do we have? What sets us apart.

Bravery
Opportunity
Orchestral
Belligerent
Intimacy
Elliptical
Satisfactory

Words we use. Words we hear. Ever so often without a care.

Tangent
Hierarchy
Ignorance
Global
Healing
Secular

Words convey thoughts. Ideas.
There are words for feelings.
There are feelings no words can describe.
Where have we all become?
Who are we to be?

Neolithic
Illusionary
Philharmonic
Peripheral
Legal
Excel
Security

What are we all fighting for?
Why do fight?
What ends could possibly justify our means?
Salvation! Salvation!
Do we deserve it,
Or do we frolic in the rain?

Today I bought a flower. The Flower turned to a tree.
The tree was big and pasty.
With one look, it said, “Mmm-mmm, Mighty tasty.”

I looked. Once more, I looked again.
What I saw, I saw. Heard what I had, had I.

I plead, “Please, oh mighty tree, so big and pasty,
Surely, I, so weak and thin, cannot be tasty.”

“What was that you said, little one?” He replied.

“I beg of you not to…

CRUNCH!

So, as you can all see the Crunchy Mustard crew is back after a nice long weekend of graduation partying and general mayhem. Now it’s time to get back to work! (Or not.)

Here are a few dilemmas I’m currently facing. Perhaps you can help me with them.

• Should I buy this leotard in “Sage” or “Blue Mist?”
• Should I buy an iPhone, or should I decide to not be a tool?
• And finally, is two week old bologna still OK to eat? (When I typed in “two week old bologna” into Google, this is what came up. A two week old baby made of bologna?!)
• Should I buy a mini-fridge with a separate freezer or not? (Remember: college life begs for frozen food.)

My sincere thanks to all who help with these matters. Your generosity will be rewarded greatly. (I promise.)

Sincerely,
Lara

Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.
- George Orwell

So today is the day (well actually it was Thursday) - the time at which I move on from my slight beginnings at high school to the grand life of college in Manhattan (actually, today is just the party.)

WOOOHOOO! PARTY!

Here’s to graduates, graduations, and their parties everywhere.

Does this advertisement look attractive to you? Does it make you want to wear glasses that don’t fit right? Does it make you want to throw on that pretty-average t-shirt and scream: I AM A NERD!

Well. I’m not quite sure what it says, but it does not suggest attractiveness.

American Apparel has been long known for their hideously ugly photos which tend to seem like amateur porn shoots (including bruises and stretch lines) of their models. My trouble is… where is the appeal? Sure the thought that this is shock advertising can be thrown out there.

Honestly? The initial shock that I receive only makes me click on the link and to decide to never buy the actual item.

Good work American Apparel.

Oh, and go read some “real” marketing analysis of AA here. And some more on the porn bit here:

Have you heard of American Apparel? Spreading fast, it is, opening multiple open-aired clean-cut brand-free stores across the nation and across five countries and they are, apparently, a big hit with hot urban chicks and lesbians and DJs and club kids and sporty types and grungy ’70s-inspired dudes who like to wear floppy hair and multiple layers of really simple clothing covered by nicely made hoodies of various primary colors, all without actually thinking they’re attaching themselves to a brand or a logo or a “look,” even though, of course, they very much are.

American Apparel. It was founded and is run by a talented and sexually nutty and increasingly notorious, mutton-chopped, ’70s-happy 36-year-old dude named Dov Charney, one of the more unique and controversial and libidinously open CEOs in all of corporate America, unafraid and unabashed and just a little greasy (click here to see a video interview with Charney, via Lou Dobbs).

And Dov, well, he happily indulges in consensual sexual relationships with members of his staff, and he uses tons of raunchy language in the workplace and posts old shots from Penthouse magazine up in his stores to complement the racy retro hipster club-kid design aesthetic, all despite a slew of sexual-harassment lawsuits now winging his way, fast.

Charney takes many of the company’s beautifully racy ad photos himself. He encourages a sexually open workplace atmosphere. He works not at all to hide his predilections, and most people claim he has never done anything that hasn’t been fully consensual, out in the open.

It still doesn’t make me want to buy the shirt (or glasses?) It just makes me feel dirty.

Snap, Crackle, Done! The Kellog company, which made the cereals you loved as a kid (or your children currently eat now), has officially stated that they would phase out advertising its products to children under age 12 unless the foods meet specific nutrition guidelines for calories, sugar, fat, and sodium. Kellog also stated that they would discontinue the use of licensed characters or branded toys to promote their foods unless they passed those certain guidelines as well.

Has hell frozen over? Will Toucan Sam be NO MORE?!

Sadly, this is true. These voluntary changes to be made by Kellog will wipe out Rice Krispies (I KNOW! Right?! Apparently, too much sodium), Cocoa Krispies, Apple Jacks, Honey Smacks, and finally… Froot Loops. Strangely enough, the two cereals that actually make the cut are Frosted Flakes and Rice Krispies with Real Strawberries. However, the aforementioned cereals in fact DO have a chance if they undergo reformulation that does not affect the taste.

If the product cannot be reformulated, it will either be marketed towards the 12 and over crowd, or will simply not be advertised at all.

This move is voluntary, and you may wonder why Kellog would make a move like this. Apparently, the threats of a lawsuit by two advocacy groups for children against Viacom prompted Kellog to reevaluate their situation. Kellog will now include a small “nutrition at a glance” section at the top of each box highlighting the amount of calories, sugar, and more.

Hmph. I prefer my sugar-coated, alien-colored, milk-melting Froot Loops thank-you-very-much!

Source: NYTimes Thursday Edition.

I found this interesting blog today, “Europe String.” Their tag line is “Traveling Europe on a Budget.”

Europe String been running since April 2005, so there are quite a few posts. There are great tips on food, traveling, and even tips for excellent helicopter rides over Germany.

My favorite was the bit on Edinburgh to visit the Loch Ness monster… on a budget of course. If your a fan of the hype that surrounds the Loch Ness monster, then you may enjoy this website (the place at which I got the photo you see to your right of course!)

I returned home this afternoon after a trip to the upper west side to my FUTURE college (go Bears… haha, like we actually get our feet dirty playing sports) AND picked up a copy of the Daily News. I’d usually pick up my daily dose of Page Six from the Post, but I was too late and the super market doesn’t like it when you shop late.

So, I flipped through, of course breezing past some of the world’s true problems, and went straight to the day’s Paris Hilton spread. This is day 7 (just in case you weren’t aware) and apparently Paris Hilton has come out that she believes she’s all spiritual and crap. As I’m sure you read and saw, Paris was toting Bibles and books of faith everywhere right after she was sentenced to jail. (And of course she held the title side out so that all the paparazzi would see.)

She made the following statements on the View (my show of choice):
“I used to act dumb it was an act and that act is no longer cute. I do not want to be that person for the young girls that looked up to me. I am 26 and it’s a different time. God has given me this new chance.” THEN: “My spirit or soul did not like the way I was being seen and that’s why I was sent to jail. God has released me.” She plans to do quite a bit of charity work when she is released as well.

Oh, Paris.