Crunchy Mustard

So election day is rolling around this Tuesday and as an American it is my civic duty to make a decision on not only which rich white man will win our various national and local seats, but some very pressing “PUBLIC QUESTIONS TO BE VOTED UPON” as well.

These are my favorite; all they require is a simple yes or no. It makes me seem like I’m actually making a difference, although I’m nearly positive it doesn’t matter whether or not I personally approve the $450 million stem cell research bond issue.

As any registered voter knows (at least in the U.S.) one will receive a preview of what the ballot is going to look like when you walk into that little booth. Everything is laid out plain and simply, so you can remember where to put your finger (genius). Scanning down the list of “QUESTIONS TO BE VOTED UPON” my mother quickly instructed me to “vote no to everything” as it only means more ridiculous tax money from my parents sent to the failing urban centers and ridiculously corrupt New Jersey government.

On to the questions…

Number 1: More property tax; no thank you. Number 2: $450 for stem cell research; let the pharmaceutical companies do it. Number 3: Green Acres, Farmland Blue acres, and Historic preservation bond act of 2007; ok fine, this one is legit.

AND FINALLY:
State Question No. 4
Constitutional amendment concerning the right to vote for certain persons.
Shall the amendment of Article II, Section I, paragraph 6 of the Constitution agreed to by the Legislature revising the current constitutional language concerning denial of the right to vote by deleting the phrase “idiot or insane person” and providing instead that a “person who has been adjudicated by a court of competent jurisdiction to lack the capacity to understand the act of voting” shall not enjoy the right of suffrage, be adopted?

Dude, you’re an idiot, you can’t vote.

Computer geeks and gadget-crazies across the world felt a punch to the stomach this morning.

At 10:45 PDT Steve Jobs announced that the 8GB iPhone will be reduced from $599 to $399.

“OH HELL NO!” … I know what you iPhone owners are screaming. Yes, yes you just saw $200 wash away in front of you so you could hold the God phone in your hands a few months before everyone else.

Do no fret, I am one of those tools.

Also announced was a new iPod which will allow users to take advantage of the same touch-screeniness and side-ways flips that only iPhone users had until now. It will run at a variety of sizes and will also have wifi and iTunes Store capability. This new gadget will be christened the “iPhone touch…”

For those still not interested in the touch screen, there is an updated “classic” iPod in new and improved storage sizes. The iPod nano has also been reshaped to provide video viewing.

An even more fantastic display of toolery is Apple’s recent partnership with Starbucks. New iPod (and iPhone users) will see a 5th button appear in their iTunes music store which will allow them to listen to the latest song playing in the coffee cafe and download it.

Fantastic.

Source: CrunchGear!

**UPDATE** I just heard from a friend that all iPhone owners will receive a $100 rebate. Those who bought the phone within the past 14 days will receive a $200 rebate.

Ok ladies… you’re probably the only ones with me on this one. But, how many times have you treated a stick of deodorant like it’s a piece of dynamite?

Deodorant has the power to ruin an outfit or even a night for that matter. (You know those lone white marks that seem to show up only after you’re very far away from any sort of cleaner.)

And yes, yes, there’s always that nifty trick of rubbing the same piece of fabric over the white spot of doom to make it rub off and disappear… but we know this doesn’t work on all fabrics.

So what measures do you take to prepare yourself against the dangers of deodorants? Put it on after you have your top all set? Buy the special “no white marks!” brand (we all know this is a scam.) Or my favorite: The cotton top shimmy.

Just read this bit off of the Fox News wesbite. He should have used the old “My dog ate my brakes. I couldn’t stop. Really.”

The chase, carried live on several local TV stations, ended with the driver pulling over and officers tackling him.

[…]

The man appeared to have blood on his head as officers led him away after the chase ended in Richardson, off busy Highway 75 just north of Dallas.

The man told reporters at the scene that his cat was dying and he was rushing to get the animal to a veterinarian. When asked why he didn’t stop, the driver said he was hoping that pursuing officers would quit following him.

The sad thing is, this guy may actually be telling the truth and assuming that its ok to run from police when your cat is sick.

At the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center, when Oscar shows up, you know it’s time to die.

Apparently, the cat has a sort of sixth sense as to when patients are going to die. He’ll curl up next to them during their final hours, and then stay with them as they pass on.

His accuracy is astounding: after being observed in 25 correct cases, nurses will call family members once he has chosen someone to let them know that it is time. According to Oscar, this means they have less than four hours to live.

“He doesn’t make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die,” said Dr. David Dosa in an interview. He describes the phenomenon in a poignant essay in Thursday’s issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

“Many family members take some solace from it. They appreciate the companionship that the cat provides for their dying loved one,” said Dosa, a geriatrician and assistant professor of medicine at Brown University.

Oscar would make his own rounds just like the staff of the facility. He sniffs and observes patients, then sits beside those who he thinks will die in a few hours.

Doctors say most of the people who get a visit from the sweet-faced, gray-and-white cat are so ill they probably don’t know he’s there, so patients aren’t aware he’s a harbinger of death. Most families are grateful for the advanced warning, although one wanted Oscar out of the room while a family member died. When Oscar is put outside, he paces and meows his displeasure.

[…]

Oscar recently received a wall plaque publicly commending his “compassionate hospice care.”

Here’s a bizarre find: a chorus line of more than 1,500 inmates of the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center, Cebu, Philippines performing Thriller. (However, the poster of this video on YouTube (byronfgarcia) insists this is only a practice run.)

The Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center has a fine history of fantastically large singing and dance productions showcasing their rapists, thieves, killers, and tax-evaders. Looks like someone spent quite a bit of time on this bit of choreography along with the inmates.

Please note: this article talks about satellite radio. Not amateur radio (which is often referred to as “ham radio.”) I just like the spunk of the phrase.

Leave it to the Catholic Church and Cardinal Egan (the archbishop of New York) to place their blessings upon a corporate merger and join the group of companies and organizations looking to get more information to the people, cheaper.

This latest endorsement is simply one of a long history of merchandising deals and corporate sponsorships from the Catholic Church. However, the organization has yet to endorse anything like the pending proceedings between Sirius Satellite Radio and rival XM radio.

The blessing came through an editorial in Friday’s New York Post by His Eminence. According to the Cardinal, such a merger would stand as a symbol of the Catholic Church’s mission to spread messages to the faithful. “The Catholic Channel and Sirius Satellite Radio present a unique opportunity for the church to speak with people — Catholic and non-Catholic alike,” wrote Egan.

XM and Sirius were certainly overcome by such Godly praise. “We are extremely pleased to receive support from such a highly regarded and influential spiritual leader,” said Gary Parsons, Chairman of XM, and Mel Karmazin, CEO of Sirius, in a joint statement.

However, a union by two large companies does not happen right away. To ensure that no sort of monopoly can be created, the companies must receive permission from the F.C.C. (a US government regulator) and positive comments from many different organizations. So far, the merger has received 20 of these comments from the N.A.A.C.P. and League of United Latin American Citizens, American Trucking Associations, National Council of Women’s Organizations, and the League of Rural Voters.

Right now, the two companies are expecting to move forward together by the end of 2007.

Original Source: Portfolio.com

Well, with two-thirds of us here at workshop, not much blogging has been done. Whoops!

Anyways, it’s been running at 96 degrees Fahrenheit here for the last two days - and of course there’s no air-conditioning silly! This is Ukrainian dance workshop! (By the way - we’ll be performing for about 4-5,000 people at this weekend’s massive festival. Just think of Woodstock for Ukrainian-Americans.)

Anyways, we’re all having boat-loads of fun waking up at 9am for a three and a half hour ballet class (yes, the boys take ballet) and then dancing (in total) for about 10 hours a day. Yay!

To keep you up on the latest absurdities in the world, I’ll be posting some random amusing stories here. Read away:

• Chinese Cat Lovers Halt Truck Hauling Cats to Restaurants [Fox News - 7/10]
• Pagans To Perform Rain Magice On Homer! [DListed - 7/18]

I received an unusual piece of spam mail today. Apparently, it is in fact possible to can an entire fully cooked chicken. Now you know.

I received this gem from The MRE Depot. Their front page displays a plea to prepare for disasters… such as earthquakes and pandemic flus. Excellent.

MRE is an acronym for “meals ready to eat” and they’re mostly used in the military. I’ve actually had one before with a “camping-lover” friend of mine. My personal favorite is the Beef Roast with Vegetables! It’s simple: Pop out the heater then activate it with a bit of water. There are even MRE condiments like Tabasco sauce.

Also, the meals good for 5-10 years after they’re manufactured by the leading US military food provider - Ameriqual Foods.

Now, onto la pièce de résistance! Butterfield Farm Whole Chicken in Water. Yummmmy! MRE Depot insists: “Excellent for Soups, Salads and Sandwiches. Quick and easy way to keep chicken on hand for your favorite recipes.”

This is a deal you can’t pass up:

Brand New in the US!!
Sold by the Can or by the case of 6 cans, 51 oz per can
Your Cost; $38.21 per case*
*With 15% Discount Coupon Below, Limited Time Offer
Regularly $42.95

If only they made Canned Whole Turkeys… I’d be set for Thanksgiving!

Today I bought a flower. The Flower turned to a tree.
The tree was big and pasty.
With one look, it said, “Mmm-mmm, Mighty tasty.”

I looked. Once more, I looked again.
What I saw, I saw. Heard what I had, had I.

I plead, “Please, oh mighty tree, so big and pasty,
Surely, I, so weak and thin, cannot be tasty.”

“What was that you said, little one?” He replied.

“I beg of you not to…

CRUNCH!